Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
