Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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