There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
