Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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