that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
