I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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