In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
