You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
