I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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