sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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