i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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