You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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