is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My vagina is officially offended.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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