I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
