everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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