Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
