She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
