things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
