Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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