Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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