Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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