he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
