is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
