I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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