addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
