If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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