Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
