Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
