Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
