mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
