did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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