Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
