If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
