Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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