I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
