I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
