Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
