Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
