Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
