I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
