thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
