i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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