I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
