Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
