I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
where are you?
Hypothermia
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
