Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
