im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
