I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
