Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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