I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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